I know the tipping point, and it didn't come until dinner time. I wanted to make a special dinner for our family (sweet and sour chicken) and I ran out of oil. But I'm not exactly sure why that was the tipping point. I've thought about it all day and all I can conclude is that it was going to be my sanity point and when it wasn't there - I exploded into tears. In the garage. Sitting on boxes, frustrated that nothing was going my way.
What I'm still not sure of, is why only so few things set me into motion of crying at no cooking oil. Normally, I'm under control; and I can readjust my thinking if we don't have the right ingredients for dinner. But yesterday I was frustrated at so many things.
First let me say, I know one of my sisters reads my blog; and I am not intending for her to feel bad (unless her actions were intentional, and then by all means, feel bad that I sat crying in my garage for a good 15 minutes) My sisters got together to have family time without my family. Logically I understand one sister missed out on a nieces birthday party and so they were making up for it. But unlogically it felt as if we (my family) were being excluded. And while that is unlogical, it is logical all at the same time. When I get together with one sister vs. another, I always call the other sister to see if she wants to join. Yet neither of my sisters called. Immediately I race to: am I a bad sister? And honestly, I can see my sister's point of view if they think I am. I can't think of the last time that I "helped" them. Yet, Alissa babysat my dogs at the drop of hat while we were moving. (a big feat because little dogs feel the need to "mark") and my sister Chris helped us buy the house we bought. Not that I wouldn't be there in an instant if they needed/wanted my help. But I can't think of a time when they asked or even eluded they needed my help. So maybe my lack of invitation to dinner had to do with my selfish-ness. But it still hurt.
I think mostly, it hurt because of Lisa's family. They think it is okay to exclude us. We are the black sheep. Lisa often reminds me how I need to be sensitive to my sisters; because they are Stellanne's TRUE family. They love her regardless of her biology. If Lisa and I die, she will go to family that has no biological relation to her; but yet, they love her more than any biological relative could.
And then to top it off? My mom made it sound like it was my fault for not being invited. "I invited you to the home show!" As if we didn't have a million and one chores to do at home and as if we didn't have a ZERO budget to do them on. Boxes are piled up high in my garage, and plenty of rooms aren't assembled. But we can only do what life lets us do. If Lisa gets sick (btw, she is) it is more important that she take care of herself than we unpack say the guest room. So the home show wasn't on our list of to-do's; I was heartbroken that my sisters didn't even want me at their lunch/dinner. I guess Lisa and I are black sheep of the Roberton girls.
So I decided to make a "special" meal for my family to make me feel better about my exclusion. And in the end, I couldn't. We didn't have oil to fry the sweet and sour chicken. So I made a standby that would be quick and painless (Stellanne was after all VERY hungry by the time I realized I was without nessisary ingredients and spent 15 minutes in the garage crying she was even more hungry)
Today was better, but still I didn't talk to my sisters, I just worked. Thursday, when I'm not so wrapped up in work might be different. But yesterday. I was hurt.