Really, truely, it doesn't matter how much I try to sike myself up (or technically down) this month always ends up being the worst. I always feel like a failure (for work, for home) and it takes litterally the breath from a feather falling to make me cry. It's like an entire month of PMS, and nothing sucks more than PMS.
There was a time in my life (oh how I miss it) that I thought PMS was really for the birds. I think that as you get older (even though I don't get older) your body reacts more to the hormones. I never used to get cramps, infact other than the annoyance of having to go to the bathroom more regualarly I don't think my period ever bothered me. Now I get cramps I cry at stupid stuff and pretty much want to curl up into a ball under my desk and rock myself. And the food cravings are the worst. I crave salty and then sugary, and then salty again and then sugary again. It's terrible. I feel like I can't eat enough which makes me feel bad about myself because I hate to eat uncontrolably.
And to think that they classify as having regular periods as "healthy". It sure as hell doesn't make me feel like I am healthy. It makes me feel unhealthy for eating crap, and mentally unhealthy for feeling like crap.
And then comes the month of April. Every year. Unstoppable. And I don't have to feel like this for a mere 4 -5 days, but instead an ENTIRE month.
13 years ago my dad died. For those of you who don't know, he died rather unexpectedly. Had a heart attack at 58 - and too this day I miss him. Sometimes I think I miss him more now than I did when he had first died. I try to make myself feel better by saying that he is here, that he gets to see everything that is going on in my life and that he is beyond proud. Which, if he was alive I'm sure he would be. But thats the thing, he's not alive, and I rarely get confirmation that he can see what is going on. I get intensly angry that he hasn't gotten to see me be successful. That he hasn't seen me go on my first date, graduate from high school, go to college, meet the love of my life, get my first job, get the more important 2nd job, meet my child, buy our first house, buy our second home. I know that these are all rather superficial things - but it hurts that he isn't there to see them. and it hurts that in just 2 short years I'll have lived more time without my dad than I lived with him.
I am angry that I don't know more about him. I never met my Dad's family (at least that I can remember) and it frustrates me. (and if this doesn't let you know how terrible my innner turmoil is I don't know what will) It frustrates me that it frustrates me. I have a great mom, that I thank GOD I am blessed to spend as much time with as I want. She practically lives with us, and she is spending every day with my daughter. So why is it so important for me to know things about my Dad's family. Why am I sad that I don't know about his family? Why do I want to see pictures of where he grew up? Do I for one second get my Dad back when I find out that information? no, I don't. And I know that. So why do I long for it? And why do I long for it every april? Why couldn't I want to know these things in say July or November? WHY APRIL?!?!?!
I never get a year off. Daddy died on April 19th; same exact day as the Oklahoma City bombings. So every freaking year they talk about it on the news. At one point I felt good about this fact that hey, other people have to feel my pain. But now, now I just want the day to go by with no markings. I just want to have no emphasis put on it at all. Sadly, I want to forget that he died. I want to have a normal April. And at the same time I am angry that I want a normal April. I feel like its not my right to forget. Not that I want to forget my Dad, it's deeper than that. I NEVER want to forget him. I want to forget that he isn't here. I want the pain of not having him here to be gone. And I don't think I'll never get that.
For some reason every April I remember my Dad telling me a story of how he missed his brother. Alissa and I were fighting one day and Daddy said that we shouldn't fight because someday one of us would be gone and we'd miss each other. I think I was 8 or 9. I thought, oh Dad, Alissa will never die and I'll never be without her. Now I sit back and think how my Dad must have internalized how much he missed his family. By the time I came around his Mom and brother were dead, his Dad was dying and all he had left was a little sister that died by the time I was 6? He had no family left (other than his own) by the time he was 50. I can't even comphrend that. I hope I never have to. I want to ask him how he dealt with it. How he handled his parents not knowing his kids. How he handled being successful and not having his parents or siblings there to see it.
I hate the person I become in April. I hate how Lisa and I fight over STUPID stuff, I hate how every comment at work makes me feel inferior. And I really hate that the Janette that I like so much, the friendly, happy, bubbly, caring Janette goes away. And what is left is this basket case that can't handle anything. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, like the future rests in my hands. And I try to rationalize and it never succeeds in April. I'm a smart person, I should be able to rationalize myself out of this anger, frustration, saddness and I can't which just makes me more angry, frustrated and sad.
I hate April!